No Need for Heero's Clues
by Yamato Kyouryu
Summary: Heero is Duo's blue doggy, and it's Heero's birthday! BUT SOMEONE IS MISSING! We'll play Heero's clues to find out who it is!


~No Need for Heero's Clues~   
Odd stuff. Quatre is renamed Herb. Mocking of the show "Blue's Clues" O_o.   
[ 1/2; 3/4 ]   
Heero is Duo's blue doggy, and it's Heero's birthday! BUT SOMEONE IS MISSING! We'll play Heero's clues to find out who it is! Coz' it-is-a-really-fun-game, YAH!   


* * *

i watched blue's clues the morning that i wrote this...and i hadn't written a funny fic for a while...so i came up with this idea! it's not as funny as it could have been...and i'm not really happy with it. doesn't make any sense...but that's the point, isn't it? ^-^.   
[For my complete archive of screwed up Gundam Wing fics, click!][1]

contact me: IM - YamatoKyouryu; EMAIL - yamato@kyouryu.zzn.com 

* * *

A NOTE FOR ALL WHO HAVE NOT SEEN THE SHOW "BLUE'S CLUES": The point of the game is that there is something you need to find out. The dog knows the answer. The dog puts paw prints - 'clues' - on things that will help you figure out what the answer is. After you get three clues, you have to figure out the damn answer or you are an idiot. [yamato bows and walks off]   
NOTE X 2: "Unibang" is what Trowa's hair is. 

Heero hops out onto the screen, dressed in a blue dog costume.   
"Bow, wow." He says, before hopping off.   
"AH!" Duo looks out the window of his small house. "Have you guys seen my dog, HEERO?"   
Everyone shouts, Yes Duo! He went THAT way!   
"Oh my." Says Duo. "Which way?" He points the wrong way. "This way? Ah! Heero is such a bad dog! STUPID Heero!"   
Heero comes back onto the screen and jumps into Duo's arms.   
"Bow, wow." Says Heero unenthusiastically. Duo does a little dance of glee.   
"YAY! Heero has come home!"   
And he pulls his head in the window.   
Inside, Duo waves at everyone, Heero clinging around his middle.   
"HI! I'm DUO! This is my doggy HEERO! Can you say that?"   
Everyone says, HEERO! HEERO!!   
"GREAT!" Duo grins. "This is a really special day. Can you guess what day it is?"   
Silence. Duo frowns.   
"Oh, you stupid basterds! Today is Heero's birthday! AH!"   
Duo is slapped with the big black censor's glove and topples onto his back.   
"Ah, shit, Duo!" Heero yelps. "Er - bow wow. OWCH!"   
Heero is also hit, and smacks into the wall.   
"As I was saying before the *beep beep* people hit - HEY! What the *beep*!" Duo does a dance of rage as his naughty words are censored.   
"Bow wow," snickers Heero.   
"Anyways..." Duo grumbles, "Today is Heero's birthday. So we've invited over all our friends."   
The doorbell rings, and Duo beams. "AH! Here is one of our friends now!"   
He opens the door, and Quatre walks in carrying a large present. "Hi, Duo! Whoa, weird house."   
"THANKS!" Duo grins. He points to Quatre. "This is QUATRE RABERBA WINNER! Can you say that?"   
Everyone tries to say this name but end up crying and screaming.   
"Er..." Duo sweatdrops. "Well, we can call him Herb for today." Duo grabs Quatre's hand an drags him into the living room.   
Quatre looks around. "This is odd...hey, where's Heero?"   
"AAAH!" Says Duo. "Which was has Heero gone? Did you see, Herb?"   
"Noooo..." Says Quatre slowly.   
Everyone who isn't still crying screams, that way, that way, Duo!   
"Okay!" Duo does a dancing walk in the direction everyone pointed and finds Heero chewing on a gun!!   
"Ah, HEERO! STUPID DOGGY!" Duo baps Heero on the head, and snatches the gun.   
"BOW...WOW!" Heero struggles to say angrily.   
"Heero, this is VERY VERY BAD!" Duo yelps. "Guns are NOT for doggies! Or for children!"   
He turns to everyone. "Remember, guns are bad, harmful and wrong. The same goes for drugs and smoking! Only LOSERS do that! And guns are also for LOSERS!" Duo laughs, but it sounds very fake. Heero looks sick.   
"Bow," he comments.   
"Hey, Duo?" Quatre whines from the living room. "Something is weird about this drawer!"   
"Oh, shut up, Herb!" Duo mutters. Heero stalks out of the room and Duo follows. Quatre is quivering in the corner.   
"Duo, that drawer talked to me! And why do you call me Herb?"   
"You're real name makes the audience cry," says Duo, and he smiles at the drawer. "Hi, Talking Side Drawer Friend! What's up?"   
"I got some termites up my wooden *beep*, that's what. Why don't you and your dog go *beep* some more, Mr. High and Mighty!"   
Duo sweatdrops. "Er, Drawer Friend-"   
"Yah! Big Talking Bed Friend told me ALL about you and that dog! You sick *beep*er!"   
Duo kicks the drawer friend and it yelps in pain. "Drawer friend must be talking about all the cards we made for homeless children of the world on Bed Friend. Right, Heero?"   
Heero nods. "Bow wow."   
Quatre opens his mouth to comment, but the doorbell rings.   
"OH! It's another guest for Heero's party!" Duo skips to the door, opens it, and in walks Wufei.   
"Hi." Wufei looks around. "Er..."   
"Hi! WUFEI! Everyone, this is WUFEI CHANG! Can you say that?" Duo grins at the audience.   
Everyone says, Oh-fay! Oh-fay!   
Wufei scowls. "No, it's WUFEI, like this: Woo-fay - you weaklings."   
The audience cries and Wufei is attacked by the black censor glove.   
"AH!" Duo gaps. "Something is wrong!"   
Heero nods.   
"Someone is missing!" Duo cries. "Who is missing!"   
Quatre looks around. "Trowa hasn't got-"   
"AH!" Duo slaps Quatre. "Shut up, Herb! Heero, do you know who's missing?"   
"Bow, wow." Heero nods and Quatre whimpers, rubbing his cheek. Wufei is fighting the censors.   
"Who is missing, Heero?" Duo looks totally stumped.   
"BOW BOW WOW!" Heero hops forward and draws a big blue paw print on the screen. Duo hollers.   
"AH! THAT'S A GREAT IDEA! Let's play - HEERO'S CLUES - to find out who's missing!"   
"It's Trowa, you mother *beep*er." Wufei grumbles.   
"Yah. Trowa is-ACK!" Quatre gets kicked across the room by Duo.   
"Shut up, Herb! Now come on, let's sing the song!"   
Duo waves his hands around and kicks Heero to join in.   
"Oh, we are gonna play Heero's clues, we are gonna play Heero's clues, we are gonna play Heero's clues, coz it is just so much fun! YAH!" Duo shakes his hips and wags his arms around and Heero bites his ankle to make him stop.   
"OWCH!"   
"Grrrrf." Mumbles Heero, with a mouthful of Duo ankle.   
"Lemmego, Heero!" Duo yanks his leg out of Heero's mouth and growls. "Ok, so let's play! Herb, Ohfay, you guys wanna play?"   
"NO." Quatre and Wufei chorus.   
"Fine. You're gonna miss all the fun." Duo sticks his tongue out at Quatre, then hears the doorbell ring.   
"AH! Heero - go outside and ATTACK!" Duo yelps.   
"Bow." Heero runs out the backdoor. Soon, there is shouting, yells of pain and scraping, and then the sound of something being dragged away.   
"TROWA!" Quatre whimpers. "Duo, he's killed Trowa!"   
"No, he didn't." Duo shakes his hand at Quatre. "You're such a worrywart, Herb."   
There is the sound of the backdoor opening, and Heero trots back in, dropping a clown mask on the carpet. It is red with blood and blue with...   
A CLUE! A CLUE! everyone shouts, pointing at the mask.   
"OH God, BLOOD!" Quatre whimpers. He clings to Wufei, for the sake of lack-of-Trowa-to-cling.   
"Where's the clue?!" Duo hops around, and sees the mask. "AH! IT'S A CLUE!"   
"Bow wow," Says Heero.   
"We need the Super-Dooper sketchpad!" Duo hops over to Talking Side Drawer Friend, reaching for the knob.   
"GET YOUR GAY HANDS OFF ME, SICKO!" The drawer opens up. "Take out you damn super thing and get outta my face!"   
"Eeep," Duo whimpers, and he snatches the pad and flips it open. "Our first clue is, a clown mask. I'll use DUO'S SPECIAL CRAYON to draw it!" Duo holds up the oversized crayon labeled "Duo's Special Crayon", and doodles a mask.   
"Hmmm." Duo ponders. "Now who could be missing that wears a clown mask?"   
There is a strangled yell from the kitchen, where Heero has slipped off to again. Quatre whimpers.   
"T-Trowa!"   
"Well, looks like we need two more clues, because I have NO idea!" Duo shouts over the sounds from the kitchen. He looks around. "Oh my - Heero is gone again!"   
Everyone shouts, go that way, that way Duo! And they point to the kitchen.   
"Thanks!" Duo does a dancing walk into the kitchen, but it's empty except for some bloodstains on the floor. "Hn. Heero's not in here. But LOOK! It's our friends, Mr. Macaroni and Mrs. Cheese!" Duo stares at the bowl where the macaroni and cheese is steaming.   
"Oh...boy...why is Mrs. Cheese all over Mr. Macaroni like that? Oh boy..." Duo giggled. "That just makes me so horn-WHOA!" He dodges the censor glove and skips out to the living room just as Quatre starts yelping like a maniac.   
"What's wrong, Herb?" Duo peers at what is going on. Quatre's eyes are wide, his hands are buried between his legs. Wufei looks terrified and Heero is snickering.   
"Herb. What's wrong?"   
"HE...HE...ACK!"   
"What is it, Herb?"   
"HE DREW ON ME!" Quatre whimpers.   
"Really?!" Duo looks shocked.   
A CLUUUUUE! screams everyone.   
"A CLUE! WHERE!"   
"Heero came in, wrenched Quatre's legs apart, and draw all over his crotch." Wufei states. The audience starts screaming at the sound of that name and Wufei is slapped silly by the censor glove.   
"I think it's a clue," Quatre meeps. Heero nods.   
"A CLUE! YAY!" Duo dances. "We just found ANOTHER, we just found ANOTHER!" he sings.   
"He's ruined my best pants!" Quatre pouts.   
Duo doesn't care. He is flipping open his Super-Dooper sketchpad. "So our second clue is Qua-er...Herb's *beep*." Duo ponders for a while if he should draw this clue and get knocked around by the censor. Finally, he draws a big happy smile on the paper and pockets the sketchpad.   
"So, we have two clues! Our first one is a clown mask and our second one is Herb's *beep*! We only need ONE MORE!"   
"Hey, Quatre," Wufei mutters. "How come your dick is a clue and the answer is Trowa?"   
Quatre doesn't say anything. Wufei's eyes widen as he realizes and his nose spurts blood all over the place. Quatre grins sheepishly, but soon both of them are knocked around by the censor.   
Duo is dancing in a circle with Heero. "Only one more clue, one more clue! Heero's clues is so fun!"   
"Bow wow," Heero says monotonously, and runs away. Duo stops dancing. "ACH! Where has my doggy gone?"   
That way that way! Everyone shrieks.   
"Duo, we KNOW the answer is Trowa!" Quatre cries. "Let my Trowa go!"   
Wufei is dripping blood all over the carpet. "Ugh...gay weaklings..."   
Heero comes back in, dragging a big thing under a sheet. There is something sticking out - a unibang with a CLUE on it!   
"AAH! TROWA!" Quatre yells, and throws himself forward, hugging the thing under the sheet and sobbing. Whatever was under there [Trowa] was very unconscious and not moving. But, his hair was sticking out, and it was a clue.   
Duo yanks out the Super-Dooper sketchpad and scribbles a unibang on it. Then gasps. "OH! WE HAVE ALL THREE CLUES!"   
"Bow, wow." Heero nods.   
"This means it's time for the SMART COUCH!" Duo hops onto the couch and giggles. He looks at his three clues: A clown mask, Quatre's *beep*, and a unibang.   
"Hm...does anyone know what the answer to our question is?!" Duo wonders.   
TROWA! TROWA! Everyone shouts. Duo looks around. "Trowa! Where?!"   
Heero rolls his eyes.   
Quatre yanks the blanket off Trowa, who has a bunch of cuts and bruises. He cries, hugging his love.   
"AW! TROWA! WAKE UP!" Quatre cries.   
Duo growls. "HERB! SHUT UP! HEY! TROWA!" Duo spots Trowa and jumps to his feet. "Its Trowa!"   
"We're fast," Heero mutters.   
Quatre sobs.   
Wufei looks at Quatre lying on top of Trowa and starts spurting blood again. He passes out and all the audience is screaming.   
Duo stares at the chaos, then down at Heero.   
"I don't think they care about your birthday too much anymore."   
"Duo, it's not my birthday. I just said that so I could wear this awesome puppy suit." Heero grins and hugs himself. Duo falls over.   
Quatre keeps crying, and Trowa finally wakes up.   
"What's going on?" He mutters.   
Quatre cries harder and hugs him tighter. "They knocked you out, Trowa! It was TERRIBLE!"   
"Hn. Heero attacked me for a reason, then? And why is he in a big blue dog suit?" Trowa grumbles.   
"Bow wow." Says Heero.   
Duo growls. "Let me sing the song! A-hem - We just figured out Heero's clues! Coz...EVERYBODY!"   
Everybody including the rest of the g-boys sings, "WE'RE REALLY SMART!"   
Quatre drags Trowa into the bedroom, still sniffling and crying. Wufei snorts, and leaves.   
Duo stares at Heero, and grins. Heero pounces him.   
The audience runs away screaming at everything that happens next. And the censor glove tries to stop it all, but ends up on the ground, riddled with bullets.   
Thus the story ends. Belive you me, Big Talking Bed Friend got a workout THAT night. 

~owari, no da~   
[please post comments or criticisms! ^_^.] 

   [1]: http://www.geocities.com/screwedfics



End file.
